I think it says something about me that someone who I haven't talked to in months still affects me.
Notice I didn't say it said something good about me. Because it most certainly doesn't do that.
I'm not sure why, but I've always had this inability to forget past wrongs. It's terrible, yes, and impractical, but it's who I am. And there are some wrongs that I'm sure everyone else that knew about them have forgotten but I haven't.
No, I don't still have feelings. That's what some people ask me, what others think. No, I don't want the past back.
The past hurt. Way more than it should have, for way longer than it should have. It still hurts. I'm still thinking of ways to torture, ways to jab and test and hurt the others around me for the things they've done, or things that I think they've done to me.
Yet, every time I think of these things, I ask myself this really scary question:
What if the pain was all in my imagination, just so I could have something more than what I had?
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or if anyone will see it. I hope no one does see it, at least not anytime soon. This is for me to sort out, but it's exciting writing your vulnerabilities, your weaknesses, somewhere the world can see them. Maybe it's not a good exciting.
Anyway, I've got these ideas I'll never act on, and these lines I'll never say, and sometimes it gets too cluttered up there with every little thing I think I should have done, that I forget I really shouldn't do the things I want to do.
Yeah, it's quite the paradox.
I didn't think to comment on this 20 or say days ago, so this now is more just proof that at least I'm still checking these and this happens to be the most recent post haha
ReplyDeleteBut as for something that is actually relevant to the post: hopefully there will come a point where you do subside on this front at least, where perhaps it won't be so affecting. And as for the clutter, at least you come back to your senses. The fantasies of ones mind are left to oneself. You can't be blamed for what you don't do. And to help with the clutter you could always do something like keep a list of it that isn't actually something to read through, but simply something to add to. I don't know if that idea seems appealing though.
And to shatter any thoughtfulness that this may imply in a very self deprecating manner, I'm pretty much commenting because I needed something to do for the moment. But I guess it could be said that thoughtfulness could stem from the mere fact that looking through these was the first thing that came to mind. I'm done with my monologue now haha