I think it says something about me that someone who I haven't talked to in months still affects me.
Notice I didn't say it said something good about me. Because it most certainly doesn't do that.
I'm not sure why, but I've always had this inability to forget past wrongs. It's terrible, yes, and impractical, but it's who I am. And there are some wrongs that I'm sure everyone else that knew about them have forgotten but I haven't.
No, I don't still have feelings. That's what some people ask me, what others think. No, I don't want the past back.
The past hurt. Way more than it should have, for way longer than it should have. It still hurts. I'm still thinking of ways to torture, ways to jab and test and hurt the others around me for the things they've done, or things that I think they've done to me.
Yet, every time I think of these things, I ask myself this really scary question:
What if the pain was all in my imagination, just so I could have something more than what I had?
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or if anyone will see it. I hope no one does see it, at least not anytime soon. This is for me to sort out, but it's exciting writing your vulnerabilities, your weaknesses, somewhere the world can see them. Maybe it's not a good exciting.
Anyway, I've got these ideas I'll never act on, and these lines I'll never say, and sometimes it gets too cluttered up there with every little thing I think I should have done, that I forget I really shouldn't do the things I want to do.
Yeah, it's quite the paradox.
