Character

What does it say about me that the characters I create are flawed to the point of being unlikable?

That's pretty much it. I don't have an answer, or a funny anecdote that has to do with the question. I just want to know.

Sleep!

I'm so tired I can't even see straight.

Yeah, apparently that's a real thing. Who knew.

Anyway, I'm probably not going to get to post a writing adventure today, because my life adventures wear me down. Also, I really can't think of anything, no matter how much I stare at the screen or how many songs I try.

So, I'm giving up for now. Which really saddens me because I had 18 days of posting in a row, and I never thought I could be that consistent on this thing.

But who knows? Maybe in two hours I'll come back and whip out something perfect.

Or, maybe, in two hours, I'll be asleep. Not sure which one I want more right now.

Little Moments

You know, for the most part, I think I'm getting it all wrong. By it, I mean life. And I don't really think anyone gets it right, technically, but I pretty much improv all my lines. Maybe fate is guiding what I say, but I don't think fate would be so ridiculous as to do some of the stuff I do.

But. . . there are little moments. I think everyone has them; those seconds where you say exactly what you mean, or where you're proud of yourself for doing something right or even just doing something. I had one of those a few minutes ago, and I wanted to write it down because it doesn't happen often, where I say exactly what I think and it comes out the way I want it to.

Someone asked me why I write. "Why do you write?" (pretty straightforward, no bullshit for once! and now you all know who asked me.)

This is what I responded with, and I think I hit the nail on the head. I mean, there are a lot of reasons why I write, or why anyone does anything, but this is probably a big one:

"Because I have things to say but not enough balls to write it in something other than doublespeak."

That response is not what I'm proud of, it's just the sad truth. But this person then added "Sometimes thoughts are better conveyed in the manner of writing rather than just saying it up front."

And here's where I'm proud of what I said. This is something I hope I remember.

"No. Sometimes thoughts are better heard not up front. I may not have the balls to say it, but not many people have the balls to hear it, either."


I'm not sure why I'm counting this as one of my shining moments, but I am. It was something I needed to say, especially to the person I said it to. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe I'm very very right.

Or maybe it doesn't matter at all.

Contradictions

I don't think I've met a single person that can be summed up in one word. I mean, if I really had to, I would be able to, but generalizations don't do anyone justice. There are too many different facets to one personality. We contradict ourselves too much to ever be just one thing.

For example, I dislike the character of Superman. I think he's very condescending and, while he is quite selfless, he is also quite full of himself. He knows he is the best, and he has no problem keeping that title. And, his most annoying quality: he's too light. He sees the world in black and white, and it's definitely not.

On the other hand, I am in love with Optimus Prime. Let's face it, he knows he's the best too, and no one is going to take that from him. He also sees things very black and white, but I hate Superman and want to marry Optimus Prime.

I can't explain to you why I think one's a badass and the other not so much. It's a small contradiction of mine, like how I love to dress up but hate to do it in front of people I know.

Everyone has stuff like this, and it's what keeps us from being boring, from being just one word. And I don't know if that's good or bad. Maybe it's a little of both.

The Past

It's weird when you talk about the past, how it comes to you in a different light.

Instead of seeing that you have no options, that you're completely hopeless, you see the thousands of roads you could have taken. It's almost depressing.

At this point in my crazy, indescribable personal life, it's pretty laughable.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about, here. I didn't have some crazy epiphany, I didn't see some photograph of myself ten years ago and think "If only I had done this instead!"

I don't think those moments happen in real life. I think we go through life, one second at a time, constantly in the chaos of that moment, and then three, four, ten years down the road you wake up and you're still living in that chaos.

Sure, here and there you have those nostalgic moments, where you are with your friends and you can retell and relive stories of the past, but after a while, we get sick of regrets.

I can't pin down my life to one mistake or even one moment. I can't think to myself and say "If I hadn't done this, I wouldn't be here." Because, unfortunately, my life doesn't just revolve around me. My life depends on what my friends do, what my parents say, how my ex-boyfriend decides to act around me.

A single person's life is bigger than a single person. Which means it doesn't have room for regrets, because there are too many mistakes and mishaps stuck in there.

And there are too many good times, too.

Driving

Tomorrow is my first driving lesson, and I'm terrified. Not so much that I'm going to crash or anything like that, because the instructors know what they're doing and they've been teaching a lot longer than I've been learning.

I'm just afraid I'll be downright terrible at maneuvering a car. Which is a pretty legitimate fear. I've seen some terrible drivers (my sister has a knack for running into them wherever she is, her road rage is also quite frightening) and I really don't want to be one of those drivers everyone hates because they don't seem to know what they're doing.

Enough people already hate me. But I digress.

The fact of the matter is: I don't know what I'm doing. And I know that everyone is in the same boat when they start, but I can't help but freak out because I'm going to be on streets with a lot of other people and I'll have no idea what to do or how to do it.

Right now, I kind of wish we were still in a time where we rode horses all over the place. I already know how to ride a horse.

Angry Songs

I hope everyone knows what an angry song is. It's pretty self-explanatory.

For example, "If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All You Had to do was Ask" by Mayday Parade (great title right?) is an angry song. If you aren't familiar with the song, you should be. Some of the lyrics go like this:

Take me home,

I'd rather die than be with you.

Take me home,

You had a problem with the truth.

Fun, right? I'm not sure what attracts me to angry songs, but I love them. Even when I'm not angry which doesn't really mean much considering I'm never not angry, but it counts for something. It's not the head-bobbing factor, as not all angry songs are fast or have a good beat for head-bobbing.

I think it's the fact that anger means more to me than happiness. Anyone can fake happy; it's not hard. You put on a smile, laugh a little louder than everyone else, and no one will think twice about how you feel. But anger is different. Anger is harder to fake, and, for some people, harder to keep. 

You can literally feel when someone is angry. It's almost as if the air changes. In an instant, the mood of the room shifts, because of one person. That's power happiness doesn't have. 

A love song can't make you trash your room. A sad poem can't make you say exactly what you want to. But angry music can. 

So thank you, "Discovering the Waterfront" (Silverstein) and "When I Get Home You're so Dead" (Mayday Parade) and "Ohio is for Lovers" (Hawthorne Heights) and "Running From Lions" (All Time Low) and "Newport Living" (Cute is What We Aim For) and many, many, many others.

I wouldn't be me without you.

Obligation

I don't know about you, but I feel obligated to do a lot of stuff. 

When there are people over at my house, I feel obligated to make my bed. When it's 11:48 PM, I feel obligated to write something in this blog.

I also feel obligated to believe in something I don't know if I actually believe in anymore.

I won't call it a crisis of faith. Band class isn't faith (or is it?) and lack of motivation isn't necessarily a crisis. But it hurts all the same, this fear that I feel from feeling obligated to do something I once loved so passionately.

If I had to choose one thing I loved most about band, I would choose the only thing that'll never change: four mallet technique. A lot of people don't know how to do this, and I'm not going to waste my time explaining a concept such as this when I know the only person who DOES read this blog knows exactly what four mallet technique is (this is a whisper shout-out to James Harris, who is my bestest friend).

I don't like playing four mallets because it's harder. Chords aren't always harder than the crazy two mallet runs we get, they're just harder to memorize. Once you get that down, you're fine, so there's nothing special there. Difficult is difficult in any language. I like four mallets because of an abstract concept– one that presented itself to me quite early on in my mallet playing career.

Your hands can't shake when you play proper four mallet technique. No matter what, it's pretty much physically impossible. Through yelling, through tears, through heartbreak, through rage, through the hardest parts and the softest melodies, you're stable. Serene, even, and that's something I don't usually say about myself.

But that's the good thing about music, isn't it? It shows you that you are not one note. You're more than what they yell at you, or what you cry about. You're whole, while still being a part of something bigger.

I've lost sight of that this summer, after all of the fiascos that went on in my band program. I lost sight of the something bigger, of the something whole, and focused on my shaking hands.

And I'm not sure how to see anything else, anymore.

Oldies Part 2!

Since I have now thought of (or have been reminded of) a new batch of older songs, here's my part 2:

8. Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) by Looking Glass
     Such sad lyrics that are beautifully hidden by an upbeat tempo and a great voice, Brandy is a song that I only hear once in a while, but never get tired of. This song is a perfect love-triangle story, between a girl, a sailor, and the sea.

9. Dancing in the Moonlight by King Harvest
     This song is such a light-hearted and fun song. I always want to dance when it comes on, or laugh with friends. Always a good pick-me-up.

10. Jack and Diane by John Mellancamp
     Almost everyone knows this song, even if they don't know they do. Jack and Diane live in all of us, as far as I'm concerned, and the simple message of "life goes on" never gets old.

11. Piano Man by Billy Joel
     The harmonica at the beginning and the rousing chorus make this song a great classic. Another song where everyone knows what it is, and no one's afraid to belt out the lyrics.

12. We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel
     There are so many names in this song it's almost impossible to know all of the lyrics, but everyone tries nonetheless. This is a party song, through and through, and will continue to be the reigning champion of unintelligible karaoke.

13. Levon by Elton John
     For some reason, this song always gets me. This is my favorite Elton John song for good reason. The lyrics are heartfelt, and the piano is exceptional.

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If you haven't heard some of these songs yet, you should definitely give them a try. There's a reason people still remember them 30 years later.